ever feel like your always put second??

I hate that I can let some man make me feel like i'm nothing.. I hate to always when i'm down my girlfriends to tell me that they are the ones that love or my son to give to try and make me feel better. I just wish for once that someone besides my friends and family would want to tell me that they love me or just want to be with me. I'm sick of saying when he comes around i'll know it. I flippin sick of waiting around for someone and when i try to be with the person i like its seems like he always has an excuse. o he just wants to be friends one day then well lets hang out then i feel bad i took advantage of you lets just be friends. I know i let this happen to myself but i just feel lost. I just want to get away. I don't want to feel like i need to drink because i'm in a bad mood or because someone pissed me off lets drink or i'm bored theres nothing else to do and everyone else is busy lets drink. I was asked tonight if i know what the meaning of life was and you know what i really couldn't come up with anything. I got afive year old and he is my life but what happens when he grows up and i'm left alone.. what then?? i guess i'm just sick of feeling misreable all the time because thats how i feel most days. I put up a good front but some days it just crumbles and i don't know what to do. I sick of worrying about loosing my car, or a fmaily memeber or trying to be something i'm not around family. I just want to be me and i want someone to realize i'm not perfect and i will fail. I don't want to grow old and my son be the only joy in my life. i want more damm it and it just seems like i;m not ment to have it...